Spirits are...

Good Morning.

Can't sleep.

Meditating on God's goodnes and what all s/he has done for me. If it weren't for God, I'd be in very bad shape right now. Because of God's love, and grace I feel comforted right now. Able to say Thank You God, for my freedom, for my healing, thank you for all the love in my life, all of the support I have. Thank you God for the joy I can find in my loved ones and in your presence. Thank You, Thank you, Thank you and still my heart is open, ready to say YES to love...always. I know my blessings are present and more still on the way.

One thing I am experiencing is a tremendous sense of rejection...typical during the end of a longterm committed relationship. My husband and I have been together for 3 years...married for 1. Our anniversary just passed, and we celebrated it together which I am grateful for, but ironincally (probably not the right word?) we decided to end our marriage the very next day. It's not a shock, it's been coming for some time. I thought we were going to work things out but he's just not ready.

What is different for me this time around is that the rejection I feel has become less of a noose and more of a necklace that I have the ability to unclasp and remove when I realize that its choking me. Funny huh? I say this because, after all I have been through in relationships, I could let this thing suffocate me. But, I recognize the feeling of rejection for what it is...a temporal emotional reaction to a major change and a serious incompatibility between me and the man I thought God sent for me to love. Not so much a reflection on my worth. Because of God, who God made me, God's love for me, I know I am worthy!

And s/he did...send him for me to love. I guess just not for me to keep. And I can see that now and accept that. I tried everything I know how to do to make it work and still, my husband couldn't get on board. I know he loves me...in his own way, but his heart is still learning what love is, what it means and how to do it. Mine too...we are just in two different places on that journey and I guess the gap is too wide.

I really am grateful. I have learned so so so much during this love experience. I have gained so so so much throughout this love experiment. I am so much deeper, wider, stronger, clearer. God is refining me, redefining me in love and I am willing to embrace who God wants me to be. It hurts sometimes. REALLY HURTS!!!

Wow! I am watching MONK right now as I write. I mean, it was on. It's actually a great show! MONK is hillarious, but he's a genious. I digress... Anyway, one of characters, a Nigerian marathon runner says to MONK ...

" Spirits are very fragile. Easy to break, but not impossible to repair."

That about sums it up, doesn't it? Thank God.

Stay in Gratitude,
Fisiwe