Daughter

me

refracted

into

my best

light

Power of Words

4 things the Bible says about words. Words have CREATIVE POWER. Words have the power to BLESS AND CURSE. Our life is a reflection of how we HANDLE WORDS. God holds us ACCOUNTABLE for our words. Really makes me want to think before I speak! Amen! I have to ask God several times a day, every day, to be a fence around my mind and GUARD MY TONGUE that I may speak blessings and not curses. So Challenging! So Worth It!

Fatigue

What to do at moments of spiritual fatigue? Pray...wait...step 1...step 2...pray...wait...step...

Stay in Gratitude

Biting Sugar Bullets

I got an e-mail today, urging me to call my senators' offices to inform them that I strongly support the public health insurance option.

In all actuality, I do. Yet, I still felt a stinging apprehension to call.

A windfall of thoughts went racing through my head and along with them their accompanying physical sensations beset me.

I was scared to call! I was nervous. I was doubtful. I was cynical even (I think). I thought and felt a lot of things that really almost kept me from making the call!

The thought that propelled me to finally pick up the phone and dial the numbers was that I today I made a dr. appointment since I am still under my husband's insurance. That won't be true for long. And when this changes, I'll again be one of the millions of American's who has no medical insurance and practically no hope of being able to afford any.

So I called. The voice on the other end shocked me. Instead of yelling at me or rudely reproaching me for interrupting, condescending to me or blowing me off, he welcomed me, and asked what he could do for me. When I explained, probably a bit haltingly (I was still nervous) he told me cheerily how glad he was to let the senator know I had called.

Now, hold up! I was so releived and my genuine concern for the matter of which I had called felt free to assert itself. I asked him with more confidence, "How is your office keeping track of these calls?" I needed to know what would happen when I hung up the phone.

"Well, we tally the comments and present them to the Senator."

I was feeling myself by now! "Ok. Is there any way I can receive something that lets me know your office acknowledged my call on this matter?"

"We can surely do that! Let me get a pen...if I can find one around here...and I'll get your information."

Man! I was stoked! So much so, I immediately dialed the second Senator's number. Unfortunately, I didn't get anyone, just the answering machine. But, I felt so good! So productive!

Just a few short minutes ago I was sweating bullets at the thought of exercising my right and responsibility to make my concerns known to the public officials who get paid to represent what is important to me. Only, how would he know what is important to me? I've never called him to tell him before!

I think it is there in the empty spaces left by our ambiguity and fear that the truth of democracy gets lost. For the one call I made today, there are millions of Americans out there who will not call, but who like me need a public health option if we are to have any chance at ever having affordable health care.

Despite all the apprehension and initial discomfort I felt, I bit the bullet and made the call which made a difference as significant in the world as I am in just a couple of minutes. And the bullet tasted sweet!

Maybe I'm developing a sweet tooth. I'm already wondering what I can do next.

Stay in Gratitude,
Fisiwe

Faith-aaaaah

“Faith-ah faith-ah faith-ah…I gotta have Faith-ah faith-ah faith-aaaaaah…Baby!”

Everywhere I go, I hear George Michael chanting! He won’t stop. He sings to me while I’m at my desk at work, driving in the car, on the toilet, in the shower, everywhere! I haven’t actually heard the song in years I don’t think. But there he is.

Faith Holds

Messed around and
Slipped into grace
Stumbling along the
Learning curve of my
Course in miracles
Cheered by
John 16:33
Tribulation
Overcome by
The ultimate lesson
It’s always
Deeper than we think
For I can
Only see so far as
The horizon
Faith holds
What lies beyond
Will only be revealed
To my eyes
As I
Keep
Moving
But as my
Eyes are fixed
The horizon is always
The same distance away
There is always
More ahead
Than I am able to see
Faith holds
What lies beyond
Will always lie beyond
I need
My heart to recollect
The truth
To which I return
As the drama unfolds
The seen
That was set
Fades to black
After every climax
And in the dark
I grope a little less
For things must
Make sense
Give context
Demarcating
From now on
Measuring the
Potential in
Stillness
Filling the
Waiting with
Force
Paying the
Cost of
Value
Knowing the
Truth for
Self


Stay in Gratitude

Glory in Tribulations

Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. (Rom 5.1-5)

It's been a minute since I've been here. I used to feel really guilty about my lapses in writing but I have come to learn that when I am not writing I am being filled, fed, educated, broadened, deepened and informed by life so that I will have something of value to write.

The above scripture is my meditation for today and really speaks to a crucial understanding that God has brought me to over the past several years and particularly over the past several months.

As you may gather from my previous blog entries, I've been deeply challenged in my marriage. My relationship with my husband has suffered many setbacks and disappointments. There have been times when it looked like we really wouldn't make it! Even today, our road may seem quite precarious looking from the outside in. Shoot! Looking from the inside out, it looks that way too!

What sustains me is that God has a purpose and a promise for marriage and as in all things God's promise provides for the trials and tribulations that we face. Romans 5: 1-5 speaks to God acknowledging that in this life we will experience hurt and pain and have trouble coping and making the right decisions, we will lose our way and lose hope: " but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope:"

I found myself getting so frustrated when I would go to friends for comfort or advice. I felt bad at first because I started thinking something was wrong with ME because they were trying to be so helpful and I wasn't feeling comforted or feeling with my heart that what they were saying was right for me. I know they may have had the best of intentions but something very important was missing.

Our society fosters this idea that a "successful" relationship is this conflict f ree existence in which two people bring the best of who they are to the table and make life glorious for one another. No wonder everybody is getting divorced. And to those out there who would respond with "Not EVERYBODY! There are some really good relationships out there!" I say..."Get real!" Of course not EVERYBODY! I know that, but when I look around at the real lives of real people that I know, I clearly can see that I am not the only one suffering. These challenges and conflicts are the norm, not the exception, yet we are still brainwashed by this fantasy that love comes wrapped in this comfy, blemish free box-with-a-bow and that we should keep trying one another on and taking each other off like articles of clothing until we find the one that is the 'perfect fit'.

Only, we are not pairs of jeans or designer blouses. We all come with a complex history and an emotional framework that is impacted with every word, every touch, every kiss, and every tear we cry. God's word provides for this. God's word gives us a way to go to the source of the supernatural power that is LOVE and access solutions to problems we as human's don't begin to have the power to solve on our own.

I feel so sorry for those who think they have it all sown up, that they are so strong, so intelligent, so stable, so loving that they are making it happen all on their own. One day that house of cards came tumbling down on me and the truth has been revealed. It's not all about us.

Because of God's word, and His promise, it is possible to be a real human being with all our good, bad and recurring ugly and maintain a relationship, much like the way Christ maintains His relationship with us. No matter how many times we mess up, He's there, willing to give us another chance. It takes making unconditional love more than a concept. It has to be the tool we use to hammer things back into place. It has to be the measuring stick by which we gauge how far we are willing to go to get through to the other side of an issue.

I love this phrase my pastor used in church recently. "God wants to redeem your mind so that your imagination can be changed. What can God do in this situation?" I had to accept that if I really want to love someone, if I let God guide me, He'll show me things I never could have seen before and He has seen me through situations I once thought insurmountable.

What He won't do is guarantee me that me or my lover will become perfect or he will suddenly just "totally get me" all the time, or that I will suddenly love every single thing about him or that we will always be on the same page or that those ugly old issues will never rear their heads again. He has taught me some hard lessons and show me some difficult truths about myself and the one I love and He continues to allow me to have experiences that remind that God's love is the one and only "perfect" thing we have. He shows me that this life we live is just a practice run for a greater life and that this is not my home. And my husband, however important he may be to me must come second to God because he is not my God.

I have learned that God's word is a cover, a tool, a resource and an education. God's word has kept me and I have a joy and gratitude in my heart that is just indescribable.

Stay in Gratitude,
Fisiwe

God is so good and I don't regret a single moment of living or learning how to love beyond my means.
Stay in Gratitude

Resolution in Senate Apologizes for Slavery

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwOBC5bG08k&NR=1

I listened and was touched in my heart. I am touched at the effort made to right an un-rightable wrong.

I read over some of the reactions to the resolution and it hurts me to see how deeply the pain and reaction of hatred runs through so many people. For some, NOTHING will ever be enough. NOTHING! I concede that it is not a "perfect" statement.

Republicans, however, were supportive of the resolution. "It doesn't fix everything, but it does go a long way toward acknowledgment and moving us on to the next steps to building a more perfect union, doing the things that Martin Luther King would talk about, like building a colorblind society," said Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) :The Washington Post

With all of the disparities and wounds that have been inflicted, the disease that has been caused and the rippling effects that have ensued, I am touched by the humility and presence of spirit that it takes to make such a statement by the individuals and the collective of authors, implementers and supporters of the effort; including those who over many, many, many years, whose names are yet unknown, tried and failed to make such a thing happen. Their victory has finally come. It is a single and yet priceless victory in the long journey of things that still need to happen over our lifetimes.

Careful not to allow a reaction stemming from deep seeded anger and distrust to keep my heart, mind and spirit closed to healing, I am grateful, and I thank God to witness this.

Today's Revelation

"To let God rebuild me after I let you dismantle me takes humility, courage and faith, but most of all a true learning of love. Stay In Gratitude!"

Message for Freind, and Me

for so long as i choose to lay still and allow pain to have its way with me, it persists..the powerful never simply relinquish reign...a more powerful force must exert itself and usurp that power... I choose to let that power take the form of love, motion, family, adventure, friendship, fun, joy, worship, dance, music, reading, writing...there are soo many possibilities my love. and i love you

Endeavor

in my own skin
in my own eyes
in my own mind
in my own spirit
in a room all alone with no one around
listening to the sound of my own breath
THIS IS WHERE I
ENDEAVOR
TO BE MOST ACCEPTED

"Endeavor" I choose this word with specificity. For I 've come to learn through experience that liberation is an endeavor. An endeavor to strip myself of the mounting layers of conditions piling up, compressing and encrusting upon my being.

Stay in Gratitude

The more I speak the words, the more I love their sound, the more I know their worth, the more I feel their truth...STAY IN GRATITUDE!

The One Loves His Satellites

“Send me, I’ll go”

When called upon
To traverse
The only completion

The One
Loves His satellites

Assignment
Little black girl
Sister daughter qween
Round brown woman
Wife lover guide
Mother teacher friend

The One
Loves His satellites

Bored maybe?
Convicted by His
Scientific side?
Perhaps persuaded by
The pull of infinite knowledge
To further explore
Himself
He devised

The Satellite Program

Assignment
Observer collector reporter
Singer dancer prayer
Lover loser betrayer
Thinker giver taker
Creator displayer imitator

Assignment
Pull the text from the tears
Decelerate the mania
Spell it out with poems
Linger in the hues of joy
Dismantle time with singing

Assignment
Bring it all
Back

The One
Loves His satellites

“I’m yours, I will return”




fz2009

What's Love Got To Do With the Price of Blood in Afghanistan

I saw the headline as I opened my Yahoo account the other morning and breezed right past it.

"Major military operation underway in Afghanistan."

Then later as I got dressed in front of the television, I caught a glimpse of an interview with a young looking Captain Somebody explaining briefly what the mission was all about. He was dressed in fatigues, headgear and protective eyewear and was clutching across his chest a massive gun of some sort. He appeared to be crouched, as if for cover, behind a large rock as he spoke, quite calmly (oddly enough) into the camera and micrphone. I remember thinking, "Where exactly is this guy?"

In hindsight, I recall feeling a slight pause when I first read the headline...it was more like a fleeting vision. I have a cousin in the Army and I think I pictured him in one of those scenes of combat we often see on the news. But it was just a flash and I kept on to my inbox.

I purposefully do not watch the news and rarely read the newspaper. I have been told that makes me apathetic, grossly uninformed, ignorant, and unprepared by several people who keep up with the current events of the day as their way of being relevent and...well, prepared, I guess.

I do often feel displaced when the flame of debate flares at dinner parties or spoken word venues (not so much) and I can't put the faces to the names of the major players besides Michelle and Obama, or connect the dots between the strategic socio-political chess moves made across the global board.

When I chime in with my we-are-the-world-esian p.o.v. ramblings about love flowing out from within our own hearts and homes, progressively solving our conflicts into peace; I routinely get the obligatory goo-goo eyed thoughtful pause, with a regurgitated restatement of MY statement (as to indicate a loose interpretation of agreement) and a standard brush off via attention to pressing business in another room, forgotten emergency phone calls to be made and overdue calls of the wild (if you get my drift...*flush*.)

I mean, who really wants to discuss love saving the world?

Rooted in a reality where war can be waged elswhere as I watch its sanitized edited-for-t.v. trailer and blog or maybe twit about it with profundity in 140 characters or less; what's love got to do with the price of blood in Afghanistan?

My apathy is actually a tunnel vision that you will probably hear repeated in my blogs over and over again. I want to learn love as the sprituoscientific phenomenon it is! I want to continue to employ the miraculous nature of love to transform my life, the lives of those around me and the lives touched by those around me and so on...and so on...and so on... This is proving to be a lifelong string of experiments whose fruits manifest in batches and crops ranging from subtle to profound, without uniformity of pattern, in incriments of time ranging from nanoseconds to eternity.

The implications of lovelearning are not sufficiently measurable with impirical intruments or logical thought processes and are certainly not reported around the clock on CNN. So when I talk of learning how to love myself and my family and friends more, there initally may seem to be no correlation to what is happening in wartorn Afghanistan, or Iraq, Iran, or a hundred other countries (or cities right here in the US) that I could list.

But, personally I have to believe that without knowing/learning/addressing/changing/sharing me and my circumstances; which are in fact the shared circumstances of those around me, I can't change what happens on foreign soil. By me, I mean each and every one of us American, African, European, Asian...The President... you get my drift.

I'm reading a book; "The Hidden Messages In Water" by Masaru Emoto (http://www.beyondword.com/) in which Emoto speaks about his water research. In the chapter entitled "The World Will Change in But a Moment" he shares a wisdom that says, "Our emotions and feelings have an effect on the world moment by moment. If you send out words and images of creativity, then you will be contributing to the creation of a beautiful world. However, emitting messages of destruction, you contribute to the destruction of the universe. If you become aware of this, you will no longer be able to speak words of anger to those around you, or blame others for your own mistakes and weaknesses. You have the capacity to change the world within a moment. All you must do is make a simple choice. Are you going to choose a world of love and gratitude, or a tortured world filled with discontent and improverishment?"

What do we contribute with the constant debating and fingerpointing, albeit in the name of liberty? We wonder why the wars never cease.

According to Emoto's research, he "...found an unusually sharp increase in the values of vibrations produced by mercury, lead, aluminum, and other substances harmful to the human body" IN TOKYO on the day of the invasion of Iraq at the onse of the Gulf War. What does this imply to you? I am really interested to know!

We so easily lose track of the underlying relationship of our emotions, attitudes and actions from space to space, and moment to moment as we look upon the conditions of our world. So often we are so focused on what's happening "over there", all the while missing the point "right here" oblvious to how strongly the two are linked.

Let us surrender our lives to the Creating Force, yeild our hearts to one another, seed our relationships unselfishly, commit to our marriages, share our personhood with our children in earnest, and advertise this as the age-old, new fangle culture fad (call it Foreign Policy) that won't die but multiply and will transcend languages, infiltrate customs and dissolve borders that keep each other out as opposed to welcoming one another in.

And now that I've blogged about it, it's time for me to call my kids, hug my Dad, embrace my friends, love myself speak some joy and pay the cost of prayer for every drop of blood that has been and will be spilled in Afghanistan today.

Stay in Gratitude.

The Fascination with Blogging

Right before I begin to write, I often have a moment, daunting, albeit brief, in which I question myself. Do I really want to say this? What will people think when they read this? And honestly, it can color the way I write things. Over the years I've pushed myself to be as honest in my writing as I can be and I've shared an awful lot of myself in my poems, articles and blogs.

The fascination with blogging goes deep to the heart of my desire to unload burdensome feelings and thoughts that can be clogged up inside my head and heart like...cholestoral in arteries. And I do wonder, all the time what people think.

Despite the responses, or lack thereof, I continue to challenge myself to resist the fragile ego that tries to convince me to stop because no one cares what I think or how I feel or because people will read my words and think ill of me or even because I know that no matter what I write, I haven't yet reached a state of true full disclosure because I still have fears and insecurites.

Why not just write in a diary and lock it with a key, keep it in a drawer...better yet a safe? My fascination with blogging has a great deal to do with impacting others, sharing, serving others, connecting. While I may not be totally secure or know exactly how what I write will impact someone else, I believe that our connections deserve acknowledgement.

WE ARE CONNECTED. We may not always agree or feel good about how we make each other feel, but, we are connected and when we live in the truth of this I think we all gain invaluable information, intuition, confirmation, inspiration, even the discordant variance has value.

I learned along my journey that to walk into conflict, toward our fears and through our insecurities is far better...and much more challenging...than running away.

My way is writing about it. And when my inner critic starts to taunt me..."When are you gonna stop your whining? Geez!" I respond with another poem or another blog.

It just helps.

Jamie Foxx I'm Sorry

Is anyone else upset about "blame it on the alcohol" or is it just me? I guess what really burns my britches is that Jamie can REALLY sing!!! He can REALLY write! He can REALLY play? So, his choice to make some of the music he is making right now leaves me seriously... unsatisfied.

In discussing this with friends, many opinions have been garnered. Maybe fame has gone to his head. Maybe he's trapped by popularity and allowed himself to be locked into popular culture. Which leads me to ask, why isn't "good" music popular culture anymore? I'm not arbitrarily trying to knock an artist for doing what they love to do. I surely don't begrudge Jamie his success. I just feel as though he's not really living up to his potential as an artist.

But then again, neither am I.

Clearly, we live in two vastly different worlds. So the comparison will be loose but... I can relate to not knowing exactly what to do with the gift God has given you when all around you Pop Culture seems to have the "relevant" avenues already mapped out. I can relate to having success defined so externaly that the internal values seem to have no merit.

Upon hearing it again, I was overwhelmed with memories. My ex-husband and I listened to that album a whole lot. We ran that joint in the ground actually. It occurs to me that my perception of Jamie's firt release was deeply colored by the events of my own life at that time. Some sense of nostalgia has biased my need to prop the album up over the years as a glaring indictment of changes that have taken place in my life that (subconsciously) I hadn't completely come to terms with...I think.

When I listened to the album, there are definitely some moments that still truly move me like track # 10 If You Love Me, track #11 Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Our Love and track #13 Light a Candle. This is the Jamie Foxx I fell in love with all those years ago and had been looking forward to hearing from again. However the rest of the album is pretty consistent with what he is doing now. Maybe that is what bugs me.

Notwithstanding some noteable improvement in his vocal abilties, the obvious air of heightened self confidence and the improved level of production and packaging, I think I'm missing the maturity that thought would surely come in his mentality and content and I guess "blame it on the alcohol" just doesn't shout "MATURITY" to me. I'm not sure why, I guess I just envisioned Jamie as more of a legend than a fad. Some music you hear and know you will listen to it for the rest of your life. I haven't heard that from Jamie yet.

Sorry Jamie, it all just my opinion and maybe here in my blog is the only place it means anything. But Iam still looking forward to more from you because I really think you are an awesome talent!!!

Spirits are...

Good Morning.

Can't sleep.

Meditating on God's goodnes and what all s/he has done for me. If it weren't for God, I'd be in very bad shape right now. Because of God's love, and grace I feel comforted right now. Able to say Thank You God, for my freedom, for my healing, thank you for all the love in my life, all of the support I have. Thank you God for the joy I can find in my loved ones and in your presence. Thank You, Thank you, Thank you and still my heart is open, ready to say YES to love...always. I know my blessings are present and more still on the way.

One thing I am experiencing is a tremendous sense of rejection...typical during the end of a longterm committed relationship. My husband and I have been together for 3 years...married for 1. Our anniversary just passed, and we celebrated it together which I am grateful for, but ironincally (probably not the right word?) we decided to end our marriage the very next day. It's not a shock, it's been coming for some time. I thought we were going to work things out but he's just not ready.

What is different for me this time around is that the rejection I feel has become less of a noose and more of a necklace that I have the ability to unclasp and remove when I realize that its choking me. Funny huh? I say this because, after all I have been through in relationships, I could let this thing suffocate me. But, I recognize the feeling of rejection for what it is...a temporal emotional reaction to a major change and a serious incompatibility between me and the man I thought God sent for me to love. Not so much a reflection on my worth. Because of God, who God made me, God's love for me, I know I am worthy!

And s/he did...send him for me to love. I guess just not for me to keep. And I can see that now and accept that. I tried everything I know how to do to make it work and still, my husband couldn't get on board. I know he loves me...in his own way, but his heart is still learning what love is, what it means and how to do it. Mine too...we are just in two different places on that journey and I guess the gap is too wide.

I really am grateful. I have learned so so so much during this love experience. I have gained so so so much throughout this love experiment. I am so much deeper, wider, stronger, clearer. God is refining me, redefining me in love and I am willing to embrace who God wants me to be. It hurts sometimes. REALLY HURTS!!!

Wow! I am watching MONK right now as I write. I mean, it was on. It's actually a great show! MONK is hillarious, but he's a genious. I digress... Anyway, one of characters, a Nigerian marathon runner says to MONK ...

" Spirits are very fragile. Easy to break, but not impossible to repair."

That about sums it up, doesn't it? Thank God.

Stay in Gratitude,
Fisiwe

Contentment

"Philippians 4: 12-13 'I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.' AS I LIVE AND LEARN I EMBRACE THIS!"

Talk about liberating. This is so freeing! It's one of those...not easy but simple concepts. And when I apply it, whoa does it transform situations.

"In the beginning was the word...'

It's time to simplify. I'm shutting down most of my other sites and pages. I think FaceBook, Twitter and Iseecolor are enough. (Twitter, I still have reservations about.) I rarely use MySpace, ning, globaljazz, etc...LOL!

To be totally honest, my daughter inspired me to blog. She's doing something I always wished I had the courage to do, in the way I wish I had the courage to do it. Honestly, openly. I admire her...and feel kinda proud of what kind of writer she's become.

"In the beginning was the word..." I take this as a clue as to how powerful it is to speak...to write.

I need to expand the parameters of my own liberation. Some parts of my life have become so convoluted I feel crowded with crap! When I factor in all the woulda, coulda, shouldas and what all others want, think and expect, I realize how little I've actually accomplished. The guilt can be overwhelming. Stacks and stacks of expectations which can hardly be met. A voluntary prison. And all the while, I always have the key.

Back to the basics. Every so often I have to de-clutter my life. Sometimes, although the catalyst may be involuntary, I always have the choice to obey or resist the impetus. Clearly, right now, I need to be obedient.

My marriage has ended...I guess if I'm being honest, it ended a long time ago. I'm just now accepting it.

Revelation: Simplifying requires letting go.