Right before I begin to write, I often have a moment, daunting, albeit brief, in which I question myself. Do I really want to say this? What will people think when they read this? And honestly, it can color the way I write things. Over the years I've pushed myself to be as honest in my writing as I can be and I've shared an awful lot of myself in my poems, articles and blogs.
The fascination with blogging goes deep to the heart of my desire to unload burdensome feelings and thoughts that can be clogged up inside my head and heart like...cholestoral in arteries. And I do wonder, all the time what people think.
Despite the responses, or lack thereof, I continue to challenge myself to resist the fragile ego that tries to convince me to stop because no one cares what I think or how I feel or because people will read my words and think ill of me or even because I know that no matter what I write, I haven't yet reached a state of true full disclosure because I still have fears and insecurites.
Why not just write in a diary and lock it with a key, keep it in a drawer...better yet a safe? My fascination with blogging has a great deal to do with impacting others, sharing, serving others, connecting. While I may not be totally secure or know exactly how what I write will impact someone else, I believe that our connections deserve acknowledgement.
WE ARE CONNECTED. We may not always agree or feel good about how we make each other feel, but, we are connected and when we live in the truth of this I think we all gain invaluable information, intuition, confirmation, inspiration, even the discordant variance has value.
I learned along my journey that to walk into conflict, toward our fears and through our insecurities is far better...and much more challenging...than running away.
My way is writing about it. And when my inner critic starts to taunt me..."When are you gonna stop your whining? Geez!" I respond with another poem or another blog.
It just helps.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Jamie Foxx I'm Sorry
Is anyone else upset about "blame it on the alcohol" or is it just me? I guess what really burns my britches is that Jamie can REALLY sing!!! He can REALLY write! He can REALLY play? So, his choice to make some of the music he is making right now leaves me seriously... unsatisfied.
In discussing this with friends, many opinions have been garnered. Maybe fame has gone to his head. Maybe he's trapped by popularity and allowed himself to be locked into popular culture. Which leads me to ask, why isn't "good" music popular culture anymore? I'm not arbitrarily trying to knock an artist for doing what they love to do. I surely don't begrudge Jamie his success. I just feel as though he's not really living up to his potential as an artist.
But then again, neither am I.
Clearly, we live in two vastly different worlds. So the comparison will be loose but... I can relate to not knowing exactly what to do with the gift God has given you when all around you Pop Culture seems to have the "relevant" avenues already mapped out. I can relate to having success defined so externaly that the internal values seem to have no merit.
Upon hearing it again, I was overwhelmed with memories. My ex-husband and I listened to that album a whole lot. We ran that joint in the ground actually. It occurs to me that my perception of Jamie's firt release was deeply colored by the events of my own life at that time. Some sense of nostalgia has biased my need to prop the album up over the years as a glaring indictment of changes that have taken place in my life that (subconsciously) I hadn't completely come to terms with...I think.
When I listened to the album, there are definitely some moments that still truly move me like track # 10 If You Love Me, track #11 Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Our Love and track #13 Light a Candle. This is the Jamie Foxx I fell in love with all those years ago and had been looking forward to hearing from again. However the rest of the album is pretty consistent with what he is doing now. Maybe that is what bugs me.
Notwithstanding some noteable improvement in his vocal abilties, the obvious air of heightened self confidence and the improved level of production and packaging, I think I'm missing the maturity that thought would surely come in his mentality and content and I guess "blame it on the alcohol" just doesn't shout "MATURITY" to me. I'm not sure why, I guess I just envisioned Jamie as more of a legend than a fad. Some music you hear and know you will listen to it for the rest of your life. I haven't heard that from Jamie yet.
Sorry Jamie, it all just my opinion and maybe here in my blog is the only place it means anything. But Iam still looking forward to more from you because I really think you are an awesome talent!!!
In discussing this with friends, many opinions have been garnered. Maybe fame has gone to his head. Maybe he's trapped by popularity and allowed himself to be locked into popular culture. Which leads me to ask, why isn't "good" music popular culture anymore? I'm not arbitrarily trying to knock an artist for doing what they love to do. I surely don't begrudge Jamie his success. I just feel as though he's not really living up to his potential as an artist.
But then again, neither am I.
Clearly, we live in two vastly different worlds. So the comparison will be loose but... I can relate to not knowing exactly what to do with the gift God has given you when all around you Pop Culture seems to have the "relevant" avenues already mapped out. I can relate to having success defined so externaly that the internal values seem to have no merit.
Upon hearing it again, I was overwhelmed with memories. My ex-husband and I listened to that album a whole lot. We ran that joint in the ground actually. It occurs to me that my perception of Jamie's firt release was deeply colored by the events of my own life at that time. Some sense of nostalgia has biased my need to prop the album up over the years as a glaring indictment of changes that have taken place in my life that (subconsciously) I hadn't completely come to terms with...I think.
When I listened to the album, there are definitely some moments that still truly move me like track # 10 If You Love Me, track #11 Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Our Love and track #13 Light a Candle. This is the Jamie Foxx I fell in love with all those years ago and had been looking forward to hearing from again. However the rest of the album is pretty consistent with what he is doing now. Maybe that is what bugs me.
Notwithstanding some noteable improvement in his vocal abilties, the obvious air of heightened self confidence and the improved level of production and packaging, I think I'm missing the maturity that thought would surely come in his mentality and content and I guess "blame it on the alcohol" just doesn't shout "MATURITY" to me. I'm not sure why, I guess I just envisioned Jamie as more of a legend than a fad. Some music you hear and know you will listen to it for the rest of your life. I haven't heard that from Jamie yet.
Sorry Jamie, it all just my opinion and maybe here in my blog is the only place it means anything. But Iam still looking forward to more from you because I really think you are an awesome talent!!!
Spirits are...
Good Morning.
Can't sleep.
Meditating on God's goodnes and what all s/he has done for me. If it weren't for God, I'd be in very bad shape right now. Because of God's love, and grace I feel comforted right now. Able to say Thank You God, for my freedom, for my healing, thank you for all the love in my life, all of the support I have. Thank you God for the joy I can find in my loved ones and in your presence. Thank You, Thank you, Thank you and still my heart is open, ready to say YES to love...always. I know my blessings are present and more still on the way.
One thing I am experiencing is a tremendous sense of rejection...typical during the end of a longterm committed relationship. My husband and I have been together for 3 years...married for 1. Our anniversary just passed, and we celebrated it together which I am grateful for, but ironincally (probably not the right word?) we decided to end our marriage the very next day. It's not a shock, it's been coming for some time. I thought we were going to work things out but he's just not ready.
What is different for me this time around is that the rejection I feel has become less of a noose and more of a necklace that I have the ability to unclasp and remove when I realize that its choking me. Funny huh? I say this because, after all I have been through in relationships, I could let this thing suffocate me. But, I recognize the feeling of rejection for what it is...a temporal emotional reaction to a major change and a serious incompatibility between me and the man I thought God sent for me to love. Not so much a reflection on my worth. Because of God, who God made me, God's love for me, I know I am worthy!
And s/he did...send him for me to love. I guess just not for me to keep. And I can see that now and accept that. I tried everything I know how to do to make it work and still, my husband couldn't get on board. I know he loves me...in his own way, but his heart is still learning what love is, what it means and how to do it. Mine too...we are just in two different places on that journey and I guess the gap is too wide.
I really am grateful. I have learned so so so much during this love experience. I have gained so so so much throughout this love experiment. I am so much deeper, wider, stronger, clearer. God is refining me, redefining me in love and I am willing to embrace who God wants me to be. It hurts sometimes. REALLY HURTS!!!
Wow! I am watching MONK right now as I write. I mean, it was on. It's actually a great show! MONK is hillarious, but he's a genious. I digress... Anyway, one of characters, a Nigerian marathon runner says to MONK ...
" Spirits are very fragile. Easy to break, but not impossible to repair."
That about sums it up, doesn't it? Thank God.
Stay in Gratitude,
Fisiwe
Can't sleep.
Meditating on God's goodnes and what all s/he has done for me. If it weren't for God, I'd be in very bad shape right now. Because of God's love, and grace I feel comforted right now. Able to say Thank You God, for my freedom, for my healing, thank you for all the love in my life, all of the support I have. Thank you God for the joy I can find in my loved ones and in your presence. Thank You, Thank you, Thank you and still my heart is open, ready to say YES to love...always. I know my blessings are present and more still on the way.
One thing I am experiencing is a tremendous sense of rejection...typical during the end of a longterm committed relationship. My husband and I have been together for 3 years...married for 1. Our anniversary just passed, and we celebrated it together which I am grateful for, but ironincally (probably not the right word?) we decided to end our marriage the very next day. It's not a shock, it's been coming for some time. I thought we were going to work things out but he's just not ready.
What is different for me this time around is that the rejection I feel has become less of a noose and more of a necklace that I have the ability to unclasp and remove when I realize that its choking me. Funny huh? I say this because, after all I have been through in relationships, I could let this thing suffocate me. But, I recognize the feeling of rejection for what it is...a temporal emotional reaction to a major change and a serious incompatibility between me and the man I thought God sent for me to love. Not so much a reflection on my worth. Because of God, who God made me, God's love for me, I know I am worthy!
And s/he did...send him for me to love. I guess just not for me to keep. And I can see that now and accept that. I tried everything I know how to do to make it work and still, my husband couldn't get on board. I know he loves me...in his own way, but his heart is still learning what love is, what it means and how to do it. Mine too...we are just in two different places on that journey and I guess the gap is too wide.
I really am grateful. I have learned so so so much during this love experience. I have gained so so so much throughout this love experiment. I am so much deeper, wider, stronger, clearer. God is refining me, redefining me in love and I am willing to embrace who God wants me to be. It hurts sometimes. REALLY HURTS!!!
Wow! I am watching MONK right now as I write. I mean, it was on. It's actually a great show! MONK is hillarious, but he's a genious. I digress... Anyway, one of characters, a Nigerian marathon runner says to MONK ...
" Spirits are very fragile. Easy to break, but not impossible to repair."
That about sums it up, doesn't it? Thank God.
Stay in Gratitude,
Fisiwe
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Contentment
"Philippians 4: 12-13 'I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.' AS I LIVE AND LEARN I EMBRACE THIS!"
Talk about liberating. This is so freeing! It's one of those...not easy but simple concepts. And when I apply it, whoa does it transform situations.
Talk about liberating. This is so freeing! It's one of those...not easy but simple concepts. And when I apply it, whoa does it transform situations.
"In the beginning was the word...'
It's time to simplify. I'm shutting down most of my other sites and pages. I think FaceBook, Twitter and Iseecolor are enough. (Twitter, I still have reservations about.) I rarely use MySpace, ning, globaljazz, etc...LOL!
To be totally honest, my daughter inspired me to blog. She's doing something I always wished I had the courage to do, in the way I wish I had the courage to do it. Honestly, openly. I admire her...and feel kinda proud of what kind of writer she's become.
"In the beginning was the word..." I take this as a clue as to how powerful it is to speak...to write.
I need to expand the parameters of my own liberation. Some parts of my life have become so convoluted I feel crowded with crap! When I factor in all the woulda, coulda, shouldas and what all others want, think and expect, I realize how little I've actually accomplished. The guilt can be overwhelming. Stacks and stacks of expectations which can hardly be met. A voluntary prison. And all the while, I always have the key.
Back to the basics. Every so often I have to de-clutter my life. Sometimes, although the catalyst may be involuntary, I always have the choice to obey or resist the impetus. Clearly, right now, I need to be obedient.
My marriage has ended...I guess if I'm being honest, it ended a long time ago. I'm just now accepting it.
Revelation: Simplifying requires letting go.
To be totally honest, my daughter inspired me to blog. She's doing something I always wished I had the courage to do, in the way I wish I had the courage to do it. Honestly, openly. I admire her...and feel kinda proud of what kind of writer she's become.
"In the beginning was the word..." I take this as a clue as to how powerful it is to speak...to write.
I need to expand the parameters of my own liberation. Some parts of my life have become so convoluted I feel crowded with crap! When I factor in all the woulda, coulda, shouldas and what all others want, think and expect, I realize how little I've actually accomplished. The guilt can be overwhelming. Stacks and stacks of expectations which can hardly be met. A voluntary prison. And all the while, I always have the key.
Back to the basics. Every so often I have to de-clutter my life. Sometimes, although the catalyst may be involuntary, I always have the choice to obey or resist the impetus. Clearly, right now, I need to be obedient.
My marriage has ended...I guess if I'm being honest, it ended a long time ago. I'm just now accepting it.
Revelation: Simplifying requires letting go.
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